Episode 37: The Allowance

by RJ Silver on May 15, 2012

The Allowance by RJ Silver ImageShe woke me by sticking something pointy into my ribs. “Get up, ya sleazeball,” she whispered in my ear. “We’re takin’ a little ride downtown.”

“Uh-huh,” I said, rolling over the other way. We’d been watching a lot of 1930’s and 1940’s gangster movies lately, and I assumed she was just fooling around.

“Whadda ya?” she persisted. “Some kind of wise guy?” The next thing I knew, she grabbed my ear and pulled upward.

“Okay, okay,” I replied, scrambling out of bed. “What the hell is this all about, anyway?”

She flung open the bedroom door and pointed to the living room, where she’d set up our small table, a chair on either end. My desk lamp with the adjustable arm was pointed squarely at one of the chairs, the light bulb already on. “Plant your keister,” she said.

I did as I was told. The light was incredibly bright, making it difficult to see her on the opposite side of the table. It didn’t help that I was still groggy.

“What time ya get in last night?” she began.

“I don’t know,” I replied. “Geez, could you turn off that light? And how about a cup of joe?”

“Answer the question, Mac.”

“I can’t remember, exactly,” I said, still squinting. “Probably a little after midnight.”

“Whadda I look like to you?” she replied. “A Dumb Dora?” She flicked on the television and hit the play button. A video of me walking through the front entranceway of our building began playing, the time index on the lower right clearly showing 3:23 a.m. The security tapes. I knew she was in tight with the building’s office staff, but I had no idea she had that kind of pull.

“Okay,” I admitted. “It was around 3:30.”

“What were ya doin’ til 3:30?”

The light shining on my face felt hot. Beads of sweat began forming on my forehead. “Having a few drinks with the boys,” I answered. “Like I told you before I went out.”

“Ain’t no Gin joint open til 3:30,” she replied. She held up my wallet and opened it. “Besides, where’s your doe? Ya had four big ones in here yesterday afternoon. Ain’t no way ya poured all those down that ovesized yap of yours. Now start talkin’ and start talkin’ fast.”

I decided to clam up. “I ain’t tellin’ you nuttin’, copper. There weren’t no other dames involved. The rest is my business and my business alone.”

“I already know everythin’, Genius,” she said. “I called the other gals and got the whole lowdown. Ya left the pub to go to Dave’s at 9:14 p.m. Ya played poker the rest of the night, til ya got wiped out by Gary at 3:07, Aces over Jacks. Now whaddya got to say for yourself?”

I couldn’t say much. She had me dead to rights and I knew it.

“Now listen up, and listen up good. I’m tired of ya losin’ all your doe. From now on, ya get two big ones every Monday mornin’. Then ya get two more the next Monday, and ya don’t get nuttin’ in between, see? It’s either that or I send ya outta here in a meat wagon. Ya got that, Mac?”

And that, my dear friends, is how I got put on an allowance.

{ 41 comments… read them below or add one }

Ines May 29, 2012 at 7:48 am

Are you sure this isn’t a chat room already? Hehe I wish I could talk like Jan, I’m not very found of an allowance though! ;)

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RJ Silver May 29, 2012 at 11:08 am

You’re not fond of getting an allowance, setting an allowance, or being restricted by one? As for talking to Jan, I think it would be really interesting to hear western women and Thai women talking about men. I think they would have two completely divergent views on the subject!

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Ines May 29, 2012 at 6:29 pm

Hum, I guess deep down inside we would be looking for the same thing but taking different ways to reach the goal? Not sure though, I’m way more patient with my cat than I have ever been with a boyfriend lol

I don’t like the idea of being dependent, it’s something that really annoys me!

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RJ Silver May 29, 2012 at 7:03 pm

Yes, from the old to the young, let me state categorically that we men require a lot more patience than a cat. We need bigger toys and bigger litter boxes, too!

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yoon May 16, 2012 at 12:33 am

WTF did you do to your twitter account? I saw this pop up on my reader, so went to twitter to retweet your tweet and you’re like not there.

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RJ Silver May 16, 2012 at 1:55 am

I cancelled it, just as I cancelled my Facebook account. See, I’m not a marketing guy. Don’t want to be marketing guy. Never will be a marketing guy. I write for the fun of it, and I’d much rather interact with a handful of people I know – or get to know over time – than I would broadcast my stuff to thousands of people I don’t know.

In a way, I’m returning to my roots on this line of humor books, staying pure with it, as it were. In advance of my 4th book (a much longer book, btw), don’t be surprised to see big changes on this site, too, as I’ve decided to a) fund my charity work myself, i.e. privately through my computer work, and b) only do things with my humor writing that give me great joy.

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yoon May 16, 2012 at 2:05 am

Fine. Be that way. Hmph.

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RJ Silver May 16, 2012 at 2:59 am

Ha ha ha. Well, now, since you are one of the people I like to joke around with, you shouldn’t take any offense at all, should you? :)

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yoon May 16, 2012 at 10:58 am

Oh, I do take offense, bro. What am I to do when I feel like hurling insults at you at a random time for no reason at all? Twitter is the perfect neutral ground for me to literally yell unmistakably @you.

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RJ Silver May 16, 2012 at 11:25 am

Hey, I’ve had 7 combined married/common-law relationships. I’m pretty sure abuse will just roll off me.

You know what I’d really like to do on this site? Some kind of forum or chat room, where people can write in about their current relationship issues (or lack thereof) and joke around with other like-minded people about same. I don’t know if that will work, but I’ve met some people through the RJ Silver books that have some marvelous senses of humor, and I’d like to find a way to expand my interactions with them, rather than shrink my interactions with thousands of strangers. Thoughts? Opinions?

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yoon May 16, 2012 at 9:08 pm

How did you manage 7 such relationships? Did it go something like, “hey, how you doin? wanna move in with me?”

Forum as in message board kinda thing? I don’t know. I’ve been a member of probably about a dozen forums (counting only those with some entertainment value), about half of which had chat rooms. I had fun in most of them but then if there are not enough people to make it bubbly, it could look a bit… pathetic? But you never know how it will turn out unless you try it, eh?

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RJ Silver May 16, 2012 at 9:24 pm

Actually, you’re right about the forum / chat room thing. They are pathetic when nothing’s going on. I think I’ll wait a while. At least now I don’t have to do any of that Facebook / Twitter crap! :)

As for my relationship history (otherwise known as “The Tale of Woe”), I don’t have sufficient space to tell you how they all transpired. I’d have to write the equivalent of War and Peace (though, in my case, it’d be called “War, and More War”). I also couldn’t afford to pay for the thousands of hours of counselling you’d need afterward.

Being an optimist, I prefer to focus on my current relationship and take the “all’s well that ends well” approach. Speaking of optimists, that’s a good segue to my new book, “The Optimist and the Pessimist”, which should be out in two or three months max. This one’s much longer, about twice the length of the others, and is about a boy (the pessimist) and a girl (the optimist) who survive a helicopter crash in the jungle and must overcome their philosophical differences in order to make it back to civilization.

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yoon May 16, 2012 at 9:48 pm

Oh I don’t want to know your relationship history. I’m just curious how got to go from “boy meets girl” to “let’s get married” or “let’s move in together” seven friggin times.

You know, as somebody who prides herself as an antisocial misanthrope, I have to say you are very much antisocial. What do you mean by twitter crap? It’s SOCIAL media/network. You are not required to sell something there.

About your new book, it’s about vagina, right? The one you’ve been working on for about a year? You know, the smut?

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RJ Silver May 17, 2012 at 12:54 am

Boy meets girl, boy marries girl, boy divorces girl is my entire relationship history!

Re: my new book, I don’t write smut – you know that. My motto is, Live Smutty, Write Clean. I do have a vagina story waiting in the wings (or is that between the legs), but it’s not ready yet. It takes a lot of writing for me to put a story out, you know. I write, throw it in the garbage, write some more, throw it in the garbage, too, and so on before I find something worthy of e-print.

As for social media, I know it’s called that, but it’s not actually that social. I don’t know anything about 97 % of the people who friend and follow me.

This, on the other hand – you know, abusing each other through comments – is what I call a good way to spend my e-time.

yoon May 17, 2012 at 9:27 pm

You don’t write smut? What a shame…

RJ Silver May 17, 2012 at 9:35 pm

Actually, I was thinking about writing one smut book, but that was only to mock the other ones. I was going to call it, Spanked by my Great-Great-Grand Stepdaddy.

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yoon May 17, 2012 at 11:30 pm

Why don’t you write it? Especially now that the Fifty Shades Somethings series is all the rage. I hear it’s smut which everybody pretends is not or something or other.

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RJ Silver May 17, 2012 at 11:43 pm

So many books, so little time. Re: Fifty Shades of Grey, whatever floats your boat. I’m just glad to see another Indie on top of the charts.

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yoon May 18, 2012 at 11:56 am

Excuses, excuses… tsk tsk. Maybe you should try sleeping every other night.

Didn’t know it was an indie. Indie or not, I’m not paying $9.99 for a few bytes. For that money, I want some dead tree I can hold in my hands.

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RJ Silver May 18, 2012 at 1:51 pm

Sleeping is over-rated, especially at night. That’s what the morning / early afternoon is for!

Re: Fifty Shades, I think you can buy it in print, if you like. Or you could just download porn for free on the internet. Your choice.

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yoon May 18, 2012 at 8:18 pm

Think I’ll go with free porn. Any recommendations? I’m sure you’ve downloaded and studied a lot of them. Strictly for research purpose, of course. You being a writer and all.

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RJ Silver May 18, 2012 at 9:04 pm

Actually, I’m not really a porn aficionado. I don’t even know why men watch porn, to be honest, considering we keep so many sex scenes/images in our heads (no wonder we can’t remember where our wallet or keys are – no disk space left).

Besides, I have a feeling men watch very different porn from women. Actually, that would be a fascinating study. I wonder if we could get some government department somewhere to fund it.

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yoon May 19, 2012 at 3:21 am

Why don’t you go for it and apply for a research grant? It so perfectly lacks any usefulness, any government would be eager to fund it.

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RJ Silver May 19, 2012 at 12:50 pm

Sure, no problem. You’d have to handle the women’s porn preferences, however – you know, given your gender.

The other problem is, I can’t access porn here in Thailand. Yes, you read that correctly. I could, if I wanted, arrange a happy ending to every Thai massage I get, which I’d never do. I could go to one of Bangkok’s famous BJ bars, as disgusting as that sounds (i.e. the idea of young women having to do that for a living). And I get regularly accosted on the streets (“you want boom boom?”). But God forbid I venture into anything even remotely pornographic on the web, as I will get a screen informing me that the site is forbidden by the Thai government.

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yoon May 19, 2012 at 8:23 pm

Interesting. BJ bars? How does that work? Are there bar stools on which men sit to be served? Do they serve anything else? And the women (and men of course sweet thang) who accost you on the streets, are they pros or is boom boom just considered an acceptable first date?

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RJ Silver May 19, 2012 at 9:13 pm

I have no idea how the BJ bars work. I’ve just heard ex-pats joking about them. But you have to understand the typical ex-pat that arrives here. They are the pigs of the pigs, in many cases (there are exceptions, of course – including some great guys in perfectly healthy marriages with Thai women). So whatever goes on in those places probably isn’t too kind to the women.

As for being accosted on the streets, it’s been all women (I think), but I did have one male tuk-tuk driver stop to ask me if I wanted him to take me to see a “beautiful lady, go boom boom” as I was walking to a local vegetable market. The funny thing was, he was asking me if I wanted to go to my building, which is fairly small and high-end.

This is definitely the work of pros. The contradiction in Thailand is that the vast majority of women (as in 90 %) are very shy and conservative. You’d be lucky to have sex on your 10th date, let alone your first (indeed, according to my gf, many Thai women emerge from university with their virginity intact, as it’s still the prevailing notion here that a woman should preserve herself for her future husband, or at least for a guy she thinks will become her husband).

So, on the one hand, you have a very shy, conservative culture; on the other, you have raging sex tourism. Go figure.

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yoon May 20, 2012 at 2:19 pm

Of course you “think” they are all women since they wouldn’t accost you on the streets if Jan is present to correct your misunderstanding half the time.

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RJ Silver May 20, 2012 at 3:47 pm

You would be correct, but then I challenge you – no, I challenge anyone – to come here and correctly identify all those women who aren’t women. In fact, you don’t even have to make the trip. They have these huge ladyboy beauty pageants here (I kid you not). Here, check out this link to see what I mean: http://www.dudelol.com/ladyboy-pageant-thailand/.

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yoon May 20, 2012 at 9:10 pm

Hahahaha. Oh you poor thing. I can see why you get so sensitive about this. I wish I were that pretty.

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yoon May 20, 2012 at 9:23 pm

*was, rather. Dang, I’m tired.

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RJ Silver May 20, 2012 at 9:57 pm

Those aren’t even the “prettiest” ones. There are three on my street (one in my building) that are jaw-dropping, until you find out they’re guys, then you’re more feeling a bit nauseous about the whole thing. Then again, those may be the ones Jan is telling me are guys even when they’re not, as I have noticed her labelling pretty much every attractive “woman” a ladyboy. It’s all so confusing, my fidelity is guaranteed!

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yoon May 20, 2012 at 11:37 pm

So you haven’t really “found out” that those jaw-droppers are guys? Jan tells you they are? Brilliant!

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RJ Silver May 21, 2012 at 12:03 am

I know. I tip my hat to her. You girls back home really should consider importing some of these ladyboys back home. Just one story of some poor smuck groping the wrong thing under a mini-skirt, and 99 % of guys with an inclination to roam would become instant house pets.

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yoon May 21, 2012 at 12:40 am

I have no use for men so I have no use for ladyboys. I hate people. I wanna live alone and die alone. I’m trying to find a way to be a hermit and still live in civilization, more or less. Suggestions?

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RJ Silver May 21, 2012 at 1:07 am

Hmmm, I suppose you could become a monk and live in a cave. But, really, people aren’t so bad. Without them, you wouldn’t have love, friendship, or burglary. And who doesn’t enjoy the excitement of the odd burglary?

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yoon May 21, 2012 at 1:27 am

Cave? I thought I mentioned civilization somewhere… And yes, people are that bad. And I think I’m getting too old for excitement of any kind. I want AARP membership. They won’t give it to me.

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RJ Silver May 21, 2012 at 1:35 am

Yes, you did mention civilization. It’s just such a contradictory thought. If you don’t like people, why live in civilization?

As for AARP, I feel really bad you, you know, being too young and all. As I struggle to get my tired old ass out of bed each day, it must be tragic to feel so spry.

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yoon May 21, 2012 at 1:42 am

Why civilization… Pizza. Plumbing. Air conditioner. Electricity. Appliances. Gadgets. Internet, etc.

I don’t feel so spry. I feel like a 70 year old. You ass probably feels much younger than mine.

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RJ Silver May 21, 2012 at 8:26 am

Okay, so we’ve established your ass is much older than mine. Feeling happier now?

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yoon May 21, 2012 at 2:34 pm

Did I ruffle your feathers again somehow? I assure you, sir, the age difference between my ass and your ass, in any shape or form, has no bearing on my happiness or unhappiness.

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RJ Silver May 21, 2012 at 5:36 pm

No ruffled feathers here. I took great pleasure in telling a woman her ass is much older than mine without me getting whacked across the head. In fact, I’m going to go say the same thing to Jan and see what happens!

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