Call of the Wild

Feb. 04, 2012, 9:43 a.m.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Ever since I got home from my trip to the immigration office and saw all those Thai women getting permits for their men, I’ve been feeling a bit strange.

A few minutes ago, I had to go pee, but standing over the toilet, I suddenly felt compelled to stop mid-stream. Without knowing why, I shuffled over to our second bathroom, pants still around my ankles, and peed again there.

That still felt incomplete, so I shuffled out to our balcony and had a short pee there, too, much to the dismay of an old man living in the building opposite us.

Finally finished, I pulled up my shorts and repeatedly walked the triangle formed by those three points.

Something still didn’t feel right, however. I felt confined, as if our apartment were too small.

Feb. 05, 2012, 12:17 a.m.

Had trouble getting to sleep, as I kept lying in the oddest positions. Who the hell sleeps with all four limbs pointed upward?

Then I heard it – a soulful howl from the streets below. I slipped out to the balcony again. It smelled like pee, which I found strangely comforting. I heard the howl a second time and looked down. There, between the shadows and the patches of pale moonlight, I saw it: a four-legged creature trotting along without a care in the world.

I felt so excited at first, I wanted to yell. But then I saw him repeatedly stop, lift his leg, and pee: on the corner of a building; on a car tire; on a street-vendor’s booth.

Jealously raged inside me. I whipped it out again, stuck it through the balcony railing, and did my best to spray the entire neighborhood.

When I was finished, I lifted my face to the moon and howled for all the world to hear.

Feb. 05, 2012, 7:23 p.m.

Jan just tried to get amorous with me, but one sniff below told me it wasn’t time.

Feb. 06, 2012, 1:23 p.m.

Just got escorted from Tesco. I should have taken Jan up on her offer. That security guard’s leg wasn’t nearly as satisfying as Jan would have been.

Feb. 06, 2012, 6:42 p.m.

Just finished a wonderful meal of roast duck. Buried the bones in the little garden down beside the administrative office. A cat walked in before I finished. Buried the cat there, too.

Feb. 07, 2012, 8:15 a.m.

So itchy, so itchy. It feels as if some little bugger is hopping around on my skin, but no matter how much I scratch, I can’t seem to get him.

Decided to sit outside the building and sniff people’s butts as they walked by. No one seemed too happy about it. Don’t know why. If you don’t want your butt sniffed, don’t put it at nose level.

Feb. 07, 2012, 6:43 p.m.

Jan came home and the old nose finally gave me the green light.

She wanted some kissing and hugging first, but I insisted she get on all fours. Thank God I let my fingernails grow. Turns out it’s a lot easier to hang onto hips that way. Made her howl, too, which only added to my excitement.

We were midway through the act when a strange idea occurred to me. Swinging one leg over her, I spun around to face the opposite direction, twisting things never meant to be twisted. Man or dog never knew such pain, but there was no getting out it because her muscles suddenly locked me in.

Jan seemed fine with it and howled with delight. I yelped with pain. Howl, yelp, howl, yelp. I tried to snarl and snap at her, but locked butt-to-butt, I couldn’t reach her.

She finished with me two hours later, leaving me in a whimpering heap. What a butch!

Feb. 07, 2012, 11:46 p.m.

Three hours later, with the swelling finally going down, I wasn’t nearly as angry.

Glancing over at how peaceful Jan looked with her hands and feet pointed upward, I thought to myself, why not just accept fate? Man or dog, we’re destined to get our balls twisted. That’s just the way it is.

So I closed my eyes and decided to let sleeping dogs lie.